Remember how the birds and squirrels conspired upon your poor hero in the past?
Their tyranny is not yet complete!! Today, a seagull attacked my automobile.
Today, I’m driving up toward Appleton, minding my own business. Well, maybe not minding my own business–minding We Energies business–but now we’re splitting hairs. And who wants to do that. You have to grab the heavy collagen shampoo and where does that leave you? In any event, I had just gone north of Brownsville, and I know it was Brownsville with all the “Tim Michels for Senate” signs all over the place.
Anyhow, I’m driving along and I see on the ground some seagulls. Big ones. And they were on the ground, not in a tree, all perched or something. Just milling around on the side of the road. Like a youth gang. All they needed was the matching leather jackets. Whole bunch of toughs, you know?
Anyway, they give me one of those looks. You know, that look. The look that makes you melt, right there in your seat. That look.
They slowly flock together and fly up. They mostly flew away from my speeding car–but then there was the one. Let’s call him a tough name. Like Bruno. Or Max. But I called him, “Stupidhead.”
Well, Stupidhead starts right at my car. I decided not to swerve, because I figured if he darts the wrong way at the same moment he may run into me even harder. Luckily, this was the right decision. The gull, Stupidhead, swerved at the last moment, just grazing the support beam that is between the windshield and side window. Just his feathers hit the car because I didn’t hear the dull thud sound I hear when I run over kittens playing at the junkyard. Totally different sound.
This is just the latest incident in an endless laundry list of evil deeds these feathered fiends perpetrate. I am currently working with some members of law enforcement to help investigate these heinous events. In fact, their latest report contains this passage:
“…I have to agree with your insight…that undoubtedly there’s some large, well funded maleficent organization behind what’s going on. It appears to be much, much more than mere coincidence. I’m happy to know you’re not assigning this series of recent events to happenchance as that would be foolhardy on your part. Those otherwise supurbly balanced, never-miss-a-branch squirrels just randomly falling out of trees? I think not. Adding that to the spreader episode…you’re on to something there…and it’s not good and it’s not pretty. I’ve heard of cases like this before. The potential for some serious “nasteestuff” is at hand and it worries me greatly. I believe you are in danger. Your safety is of utmost concern…”
I invite you all to help me coordinate this investigation by reporting similar incidents.
Signing off,
Captain Catastrophe